First paragraph:
I was five years old and about to start kindergarten when Hurricane Andrew hit Miami, Florida. I still remember the day before the hurricane was going to come, as my parents tried to make all of the preparations they could, as quickly as they could. This was a big one, unlike anything they had ever experienced since moving there, and they were scared. But I don't really remember that fear, because they hid it really well. They had three small children to take care of, so what choice did they have?
The night the hurricane hit I spent the night huddled in a bedroom with my mom, older sister, and little brother, as my dad held the door shut against the wind and water that soon engulfed our house. The next morning we went outside to take a look at the damage. Everything was gone. My house did not even really look like a house anymore, fallen trees covered the street, and the remains of roofs were strewn across the lawns that had looked so pretty the day before.
I don't really remember much of the rebuilding process, other than the fact that because of all the damage, kindergarten was postponed for a month (probably the most devastating news I have ever received). We celebrated my birthday with food storage, pretend candles, and no presents, but it was probably one of the ones I remember best, because my parents tried their hardest to make it a happy one for me. It was a difficult time for my family, but not as miserable as it could have been.
Revision for style:
My fifth birthday and my first day of kindergarten were just around the corner when Hurricane Andrew hit Miami, Florida. I still remember the day before the hurricane hit, as my parents tried to make all of the preparations they could, as quickly as they could. This big hurricane, unlike anything they had ever experienced since moving there, terrified them. But I don't really remember that fear, because they hid it really well. They had three small children to take care of, so what choice did they have?
The night the hurricane hit I spent the night huddled in a bedroom with my mom, older sister, and little brother, as my dad held the door shut against the wind and water that soon engulfed our house. The next morning we went outside to take a look at the damage. Damage doesnt give the storm enough credit. Fallen trees covered the street, the remains of roofs were strewn across the lawns that had looked so pretty the day before, and my house did not even really look like a house anymore.
I don't really remember much of the rebuilding process, other than the fact that because of all the damage, kindergarten was postponed for a month (probably the most devastating news I have ever received). We celebrated my birthday with food storage, pretend candles, and no presents, but I never forgot that birthday, because my parents tried their hardest to make it a happy one for me.
2 comments:
Your second paragraph is a definite improvement from the first. However, you could still tighten your prose to make it flow even better. Get rid of the word "but" and re-word sentences like "The night the hurricane hit I spent the night huddled in a bedroom with my mom, older sister, and little brother, as my dad held the door shut against the wind and water that soon engulfed our house."
It's a good use of imagery but the repeated word night breaks that a little. It might come off as more dynamic had it read "The night the huriccaine hit I huddled with my mom, older sister and younger brother in my room. My father held the door tight against the wind and water that soon englufed our house." It's slightly more dramatic with less words.
Sorry, I messed up in the revision on my first post. This one actually makes sense.
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